struggling

right now it's hard to breathe, hard to sleep, food has no taste or appeal, my emotions are insane! I almost took Nick back, and although I stopped the re-uniting, every day I wonder, and cry, thinking about what if I am making a mistake by pushing him out of my life again......then I talk to mom, and she puts everything into perspective.  She's right.  Sure, take him back and live a life more miserable than the one I ran away from.  My counselor pointed out how within the 3 weeks we tried again we got in 2 huge fights that were closer together and more intense than before I left. 
My heart HURTS!! I don't wanna feel like I abandoned my family, although that IS how I feel.  I don't want Nixon to blame me for hurting his father, because he does feel that way, but he's not even 5 yet, so when he's older things will make sense. 
I get texts from Nick daily telling me he will change, that he doesn't care about the past, he just wants me in his future, how he can't love anyone like he loves me, etc. I love him too, but the difference is I know love, he only knows what he thinks is love.
I pray daily that my heart will mend.  I'm tired of crying.